Your Story

Your story began in September 2005, when I took that first pregnancy test...and it came back postiive. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I fell in love with you. I loved you in a way I didn't know was possible.

After 3 months of morning sickness, exhaustion, and anticipation, we went to our first doctor's appointment. I was a little worried when they couldn't immediately find your heartbeat, and was scheduled to have an ultrasound the next week. That week was the longest week of my life.

I remember the ultrasound tech checking the image on the screen. It was the first time I saw the tiny life that was growing inside me. However, the technician didn't smile or talk. She informed me that she wanted the doctor to come in and check things. It was then that I heard the words that have forever changed my life... "There's no heartbeat."

It's been six years, and yet I still remember every detail of the room, the doctor's words, and the emotions I was feeling. I remember the loss I felt instantly. Such a strange feeling to know the baby you're carrying is no longer alive. November 11, 2005 is a day I will never forget. That's the day you went to heaven.

There are so many things I would like to say to you. There are so many things I wish that we could do together. And one day, we will. But for now, this is my letter to you.


My precious baby,

I know you probably aren't a baby anymore, in your heavenly home. But to me, you will always be "my baby." I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with you, I was thrilled! And even through the months of morning sickness that followed, I told you every day, "Mommy loves you!"

I want you to know that your brief life meant so much to me, brought me so much joy. I never had to discipline or correct you. I never had to remind you to pick up your toys. I never had to separate you from fighting with your sisters. But, I want you to know that I wish I'd had the chance to. I only had a short time with you, and you only got the best parts of me.

I think about you often. Sometimes in the little things...I wonder what your personality is like. What would've been your favorite color, movie, toy? What would've been your first word? There are times I look in the backseat of the car, see your two sisters, and still think, "one is missing." YOU are missing.

I think about you in the big things too. Like the holidays. Would you have loved Christmas as much as I do, excited to get out the decorations and celebrate? This year we took a family vacation to Disney World. It was so much fun! I wish that we could've taken you too.

I think most of all, I wonder what you look like. I didn't get to look into your precious face. Or count your fingers and toes. I don't know what color hair you have, or what color your eyes are. Both of your sisters have blue eyes like me. And I can't help but imagine that you do too. When I picture you, that's what I see...your blue eyes.

I love you so much, and I always will. You forever have a place in my heart. One day, I will see your precious face and I know that it will be even better than I can imagine!

Love,

Mommy


"How very softly you tiptoed into our world, almost silently, only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint you footsteps have left upon our hearts."
-- Dorothy Ferguson


"What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us."
--Helen Keller